Friday, April 13, 2012

the dancing diarrhea fountains of las vegas pt 2: poop-fist packs a powerful punch


Poop-fist is exactly what it sounds like: a fist made of poop punching it's way out of your butt. Sure, you can fight back-maybe even last a couple rounds for show-but poop-fist will always win. Poop-fist is the undefeated heavyweight champion and that day it was working my butthole over like Rocky Balboa on a side of beef."Don't make me laugh", I begged as I scooted my way towards some bushes. Jeremy was of course laughing hysterically at my predicament and I thought even Kenny Rogers-who knew when to hold 'em-could never hold back this tsunami wave of beer batter. I made the lethal mistake of laughing, displacing enough muscle control from my brown star, and the floodgates opened up.

Within seconds my underwear was filled to capacity-a good 4 pounds. A second wave pushed the standing room only crowd over and out of my shorts, hanging onto my legs and stage diving onto my shoes. Without mercy or remorse, poop-fist was literally beating the shit out of me. I finally got behind the bushes and pulled off my pants, trying to find something to clean up with. Jeremy's laughter by now had reduced him to tears and as he watched me, pissed into the bushes. But he who laughs last doesn't always laugh alone. As his giggling got the best of him he became another victim of poop-fist's victory "streak."
"Someday bro, we're gonna shit our pants together" "Whatever man, let's just party"

"Holy shit", he cried out as poop began falling out of his shorts. He ran over next to me and repeated the same drill as we both spider walked over some rocks, spraying mud without restriction. The voices of hikers were heard in the distance and I wondered what would befall us if we were caught. 2 grown men porky pigging it(shirts but no pants)in a national park cleaning shit off our legs with what little was left of our underwear next to what looked and smelled like someone had gutted a pig. It was so unreal, I felt like I was having an acid flashback. It was hilarious, but also terrifying. Plus the fact that our wives were awaiting our return from our little adventure.

We wiped up the worst spills with what whatever untainted scraps of our underwear was left and then put our poopy shorts back on. It was a huge bummer. "The coyotes are gonna eat well tonite", Jeremy remarked. 'Yes they are', I thought to myself as I glanced down at the carnage left behind. "Damn the 'nam!", I cried out as I fell to my knees. "Damn the 'nam!" We embraced on the ground and wept as we looked upon our fallen brothers before beginning the long task of giving them a proper burial.




Oh-and then 6 months later I was totally divorced. Party.

5 comments:

  1. My stomach hurts, I have tears in my eyes and I just choked on a ham sandwich.

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  2. What he said, except no sandwich. But I did choke.

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  3. My wife says you are gross. I say ' my brother is effin hilarious '

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