Tuesday, January 20, 2015

viewing under the influence: a series*

I'm not one for drinking alone-however, if you've got The Bandit or Philo Bedoe around, you're never alone. So yes, you should drink tons of beer while watching movies and feel nothing but elation. For instance, this one time I was having a beer on the couch and glanced up at the TV to see that a movie was playing-it's really that simple!

Myself, I tend to stick with 70's cinema because suspension of belief is usually required and the soundtracks are amazing. Why the 70's, you ask?

1. Burt Reynolds is probably in it.

2. A bar fight is totally gonna break out.

3. An animal will be fed beers.

4. Awkward racial slurs. Even ones that weren't as obvious, like referring to Asians as "Oriental".

5. Muscle cars that will make your mangina soaking wet.

6. Classic swearing, ie. "Balls!"

7. Drinking and driving? Oh, shit yeah!

8. The now defunct Palomino Club.

9. Another bar fight.

You're in luck, as I've been considerate enough to watch a shit-ton of these movie while drinking beer like I just found out that I've lost my parents in a horrible car crash. I'm also including a beer rating which will help gauge how many beers you'll need to watch the movie. The idea isn't how many you'll need for the movie to be awesome, it's how many beers you'll drink BECAUSE the movie is so awesome. Our series begins with.......



Hooper



Lets begin by knocking it out of the park. This is pretty much the pinnacle of drinking and viewing. You get Burt Reynolds, a bar fight, a horse that chugs coors, drinking and driving, the usage of "balls" as an exclamation, a sweet theme song about the life of a hollywood stuntman, and a fucking rocket car. Yes-a fucking rocket car

Highlights include a pre-Dukes of Hazard Roscoe P. Coltrane as Hooper's pill providing side kick, a pre-what the fuck happened to your face Jan Michael Vincent as the up and coming "kid" stuntman, a pea-smuggling Sally Field(if that's what you're into-no judgements), a doctor smoking in a hospital, and most importantly, a fucking rocket car.

The Palimino club? Yep-with a bar fight in the beer garden involving a young(but still quite ugly)Terry Bradshaw. Oh shit-is that Robert fucking Klein?! That motherfucker's in it too?! Yes, that motherfucker is in it too, playing a smarmy director who rocks a sweet snowmobile onesie on set. Mad with power, he pushes Hooper and the kid into more dangerous and deadly stunts, all in the  name of his "art." Of course Hooper has the last laugh, handing Klein's dick to him on a plastic picnic plate right after breaking the forth wall with his classic, mustachioed smirk. Of course.

Beer rating: all of them. It's just that good. Yes, you will mos def drink all of your beers.


"Who's got two thumbs, a Hooper tattoo, and love's the movie "Hooper"?
Maybe this guy. I can't see if he has thumbs.


* Yes, I admit this is some lazy-ass horseshit but I can't blow your tits off every time. Also, you should watch "Every Which Way But Loose" as a homework assignment and drink a good sixer or two. We'll talk about that soon.


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